Mother’s Day is hard for many different people for all sorts of reasons. The world of retail and social media seems to forget those who find it difficult as we are surrounded by photos of flowers, cards, gifts, smiling faces. My heart goes out to all those who are not able to enjoy the day, who instead are reminded of painful events and life changing sadness.
As Mum to a severely disabled child who cannot – and never will be able to – talk, Mother’s Day is always a mixture of emotions. I am of course relieved that my daughter is here to spend another one with me, but I am more aware than on most other days that she cannot tell me she loves me, she cannot make me a card or draw me a picture. I hope she can feel the love that I have for her and even though she can’t say it verbally, when she sits on my lap and rests her head on me, I like to think that’s her way of saying “I love you too Mum”.
Any day which society tells me we should celebrate is always a challenge with my depression. The pressure of feeling that I must smile, be sociable, act like everything is Ok, weighs heavily on my mind in the run up to whatever occasion is looming. People say that my family would understand if I wasn’t all smiles and maybe my Husband might, but my girls certainly wouldn’t – and they shouldn’t be expected to either. Today I was given handmade gifts, I had breakfast in bed made by my eldest, how could I possibly sit there showing how I really feel? That I would like to be left alone, that I would like nothing more than a day without even having to talk to anyone. Not because I don’t love my children, they are my entire world, my reason for fighting, but also the reason that sometimes the pressure becomes unbearable. I cannot let them see me being anything other than happy, in control, calm – everything I am invariably the exact opposite of.
I am so grateful to be a Mum, I know how lucky I am both to be a Mother, and to have both my girls still with me. I am surrounded by friends who have lost their children due to illness and although these friends will always be Mothers, I can only imagine their pain every day, not just today. One day that will be me. One day my little lady will no longer be with me, but I cannot think about that right now or I would miss all the wonderful moments we still share.
What I am trying to say is that sometimes it’s the things that society suggests are to be celebrated, that are the very times when the demons come close to pushing me over the edge.
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